This just in. Zombies are sweeping across America, waving a black banner reading Zombie Nation. They know you don’t want to convert, so they don’t bother trying. They just kill you. They can’t really eat you because they’re already stuffed. They just take a bite and move on. Why they do this is unknown and unknowable. Kinda like ISIS. The Zombie Faith has been embraced by millions of Americans, who vote zombies into office, buy CDs by zombies, read zombie books, and go to zombie movies. Do they believe in life after death? Obviously. But they’re stuck here on Earth; there’s no paradise, just long lines at the soup kitchens of the middle class apocalypse. Together with the pizza-faced robots of the uber rich, they pretty much control what we think and how we act, using targeted advertising strengthened by surveillance. The disguised robots are immune to the VV (violence virus), but allow it to spread because the fear factor (including Zika and Ebola) gives them ultimate control. So even the zombies have become pawns, and the invisible overseers (pulling the strings of the walking dead in Congress) will deal with them after the zombies have dealt with us.
1) Be born into the right family.
2) Be extraordinarily lucky, driven, and a sociopath.
3) Move to a country with one dollar (or kopek or mark or real) and hyperinflation.
4) Become a narcissistic rapper televangelist hedge fund manager sports god with a psychopathic urge to symbolically (or otherwise) cut off all rivals at the knees (while exploiting children and/or getting an endorsement contract from Coke and/or Pepsi.)
5) 1, 2, and 4.
6) Supply trillion dollar-funded Homeland Security with spy software that improves on existing software, and so doesn’t require them to get the FBI to ask citizens to help in identifying terrorists.
7) Start a third party that has an actual chance of winning elections, preventing the same-old-thing from happening one last time. (Emphasis on the word “last.”)
8) Come up with an actual zombie virus that doesn’t mean (symbolically) voters and politicians…then build your All-American bunker, and emerge after the zombies starve due to (double) death because they don’t (somehow) realize that they can eat animals or each other, and not just members of our Post Truth Society (run by a zombie two party system.) Note: now you’ll have piles of post-tax dollars to roll around in while wearing obscene jewelry.
9) 1 and 7.
10) †§¶®ojojo£∆∆ˆçƒ∫º∆ (Learn Ancient Alien code, and summon them to king you.)
Q: If you’re a white collar criminal, and you answer the door, which response to your question, “who are you?” would you most NOT want to hear.
a) “Hi, we’re from the church of latter day saints.”
b) “I’m detective Wilson from the bunko squad.”
c) “I’m from Frontline, and my colleague is from 60 Minutes.”
A: a) you smile; b) you smile; c) you faint.