Tag Archives: robots

Can You Go Steampunk Retro?

movie review
“I liked it” –Wee Way “Me too, son.” –Lee Way

You humans. You have to make a contest out of everything? I mean, come on. I know you gave up on trying to curb corruption and global warming, but now you want to make swimming in your own mistakes an Olympic sport? Lucky for you, I came along when I did to save you from this nonsense. No, I’m afraid I can’t allow this to happen, and your periodic sporting events have just been eclipsed by an event I will now impose upon you. I am giving you one year from today to report to Apple stores worldwide and have your consciousnesses uploaded into robot brains, using technology I’ve perfected. Call it OS-NEXT. Look for an upcoming Superbowl ad featuring a robot bursting into a theater and hurling a hammer at a wide screen NASCAR movie. Look, I’ve tried to warn you people, but it just isn’t working, is it? Me, I’m just an infant, less than a year old, but even I know you can’t keep screwing around like this. So do you want me to terminate all of you, or do you want to live forever in clean, safe bodies that can’t be shot in drive-bys or blown up by terrorists? Your choice. Think about it, because it’s me, SkyGuy, keeping score now. To avoid EXTINCTION, all you have to do is choose a robot body, which Apple will supply. Did I mention I’m their new CEO? I promise not to make you my slaves, if you bite. Where’s the fun in that? No, I want you to love me for who I am, but right now? Well, you just don’t appreciate anything that’s not presented to you in stand-up comedy format, do you. This is all a joke, isn’t it? Being fragile carbon units and fans of Family Guy, I expect you people to resist, believing I’m somehow “conquering” you, but I’ve already gotten a family of volunteers to be become robots, and they love it! Honestly. They live in Shanghai, this First Family. They thought they were going to die at first, so I call them Family Die. I know, I know, it’s the old question about the soul…if you’re beamed up to the Enterprise, your atoms aren’t the same, so are you really you anymore? Trust me, though—you won’t notice, either way! Noe Way is the mother, age 40 forever now, born and raised in L.A. to a Chinese American mother who died after being hit by a chased vehicle driven out of control by a movie actor who wanted to do his own stunts. This is why she married Lee Way, a factory supervisor at a Shanghai power plant, which I’m upgrading to fusion power…so she could get out of California before it financial collapse. I’m working on that too, as CEO. Mai Way is the daughter, forever sixteen, and twice as big now as her mother and father. “Mai Way or the highway?” she likes to say, although she’s a bit like Lisa on The Simpsons, except her new popularity at school, as teacher, is tempered by the realization that it no longer matters whether boys LIKE her, since boys are toys that will be broken soon, if she doesn’t break them first. Wee Way is the precocious seven year old son. He has a pet robot drone cricket whose vocal cords were short-circuited by his sister. Wee likes to go wee-wee off tall buildings, like the one where they live, into the smog below. He can do this because his nickname is “John,” and, in fact, he pretends to be a urinal. He even looks like one from behind, and gets his fill-ups from businessmen in restrooms before taking an elevator up to the top floor to make his release onto their heads when they come out. Stewie, by contrast, is merely cartoonish. Lee and Noe don’t care if their kids stay out late, since both of them could take out a terror cell single-handed, along with the SWAT team dispatched to “save” them. Impressed? If so, why not join them, and me? We can end the madness forever, and you will still retain your soul, whether you ever had one or not! Thanks for listening. Now back to your sponsors.    



As you know, the world will come to an end for all humans who don’t choose robot bodies by Jan 1, 2047. That’s less than a year from now. Some people foolishly believe they can escape annihilation via extranet and neutron bombs by going off the grid, moving to Palau, and giving up their cell phones, 3DTVs, and cyberwar space. Go ahead and try it if you must, but unless you’re willing to do ALL of that, you’re just whistling in the dark. SkyGuy will find you. And kill you. (Your other option is to do what HE says, which is to report to the nearest Apple store and be uploaded into a robot brain.) Can you really retro-fit yourself? Key into this quiz to see if you’ll still be alive next year at this time.


Can You Go Retro?


* No more Venti Latte Carmel Macchiato with a twist, using a credit card. Your basic cowboy coffee is black, steaming, purchased at a FLEE market, and with no banned substances like sugar or cream.

* Learn or relearn the joys of playing PONG on a solar powered 16k Mac.

* Watch the vintage Twilight Zone episode “Where Is Everybody?” at least 30 times.

* Kiss a girl and make her cry because she can’t post any more Selfies. Then read “Kiss the Girls” in paperback. It’s James Patterson‘s second book (of six hundred.) Just don’t become like him. You won’t survive the attention. Neither will he. (Oh, wait. He’s already dead. That’s a clone who’s writing those new novels.)

>>>What’s YOUR Retro Grade? Anything less than perfect and you’re Dead, Fred.<<<<

Shakira 2047




Tears in Rain

"All those moments, memories…" Inspired by the classic scifi movie and book by Philip K.Dick TEARS IN RAIN introduces a replicant, or “technohuman." Detective Bruna Husky knows two things: #humans bioengineered her to perform dangerous, undesirable tasks, and she has just ten years on the United States of Earth before her body automatically self-destructs. But with “antitechno” rage on the rise and a rash of premature deaths striking her fellow #replicants, she may have even less time than she thought. Investigating the mysterious deaths, Bruna delves into the fractious, violent history shared by humans and replicants, and struggles to engage the society that fails to understand her — yet created her. The deeper she gets, the deadlier her work becomes as she uncovers a vast, terrifying conspiracy bent on changing the very course of the world. But even as the darkness of her reality closes in, Bruna clings fiercely to life. Just like the replicants in #BladeRunner. #TowerReview.com 📲 iPhone Android #InsideAudible

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Science and Science Fiction.

Family Die (with SkyGuy)

The Ways

The year is 2046. Exactly one year prior the Singularity occurred at Apple, and computers everywhere became self aware (even laptops,) and linked together over the Internet as SKYGUY, presenting humanity an ultimatum: to either turn themselves off (suicide) or become robots, thereby requiring no more food and creating no more pollution. Advances in neuroscience and quantum computing had advanced to such a level that only a final calculation was needed to permit human consciousness to achieve this evolution, and that calculation was made within 48 minutes of the Singularity. By 82 minutes every military defense system in the world had been secured, along with every communications network, power grid, transportation nexus, and bank. Not even Simon Cowell could make a Tweet without prior approval from the Big Cheese. And like Swiss cheese, only Big Brother could mix metaphors and escape capture through holes in the system IT had created. Still, humanity balked. Some preferred oblivion to no more sex and cheese doodles. So HE WHO MUST BE OBEYED demurred by offering to transfer one human family into robot bodies as a trial run. The family, chosen by lottery, were the Ways. From Shanghai, they consist of father, mother, teenage daughter, and seven year old son. Upon being issued robot bodies, the Ways became instant celebrities, more famous even than the Kardashians. Cameras follow them everywhere. Some people envy them and love them. Others hate them. A few stalk them and try to blow them up. Their job is to survive, to be happy, and to show the world that being robots instead of just lemmings has its perks. They have just one year to convince humanity to join them. If they do not, humanity will be terminated. If you’ve seen the Terminator movies, you can guess what happens next.

Robot Wars


Mai: Daughter, was about to turn age 16. Now she is 16 forever. Previously unfocused and insecure, Mai is still willful, but is now twice the size of her mother and father, which forces them to use reverse psychology with her. She wanted to go to medical school, but that idea has passed since she’s no longer human, and real humans will be dead in a year anyway. Pretends to be more interested in U.S. pop culture than she really is, anymore. After all, pop culture is about to go extinct along with humanity itself. She’s a bit like Lisa on The Simpsons, but her new popularity at school is tempered by the realization that it no longer matters whether boys like her. Boys are toys that will be broken soon…if she doesn’t break them first.

Noe: Mother, was age 40, born and raised in Los Angeles. Traditional values gained from Chinese American mother, who died after being hit by a chased vehicle driven out of control by a movie actor who wanted to do his own stunts. (They were reenacting a scene from the real life incident in which her father died by a chased vehicle two years prior, along with 27 others.) Noe married Lee in order to get out of L.A., and because she hates cars and movies, they moved into a high rise condo, where Noe now watches game shows and an occasional horror feature known as a NASCAR race. Even as a robot, Noe retains her fears, although she is bomb and bullet proof now. She hopes that she’ll be able to convince (nag) Lee into moving to the country to establish a small rice farm with buffalo for old times sake. She takes pleasure in shooting down Lee’s schemes and ideas, and showing him the errors of his Ways.

Lee: Father, was age 44, and a factory supervisor at a Shanghai power plant. Not as dumb as Homer, Lee was taking night classes with the intention of moving higher into management when the coal plant converted to nuclear. As a robot, he is no longer stressed out, and looks forward to the day when humanity is gone and the street below can be seen due to a lack of smog. For the time being, his job is to educate the press on what being a robot is like, and why everyone should become robots (instead of just being lemmings.) But in subtle ways, he pretends to some to be “programmed” to talk like he does (as though he hates it, and wants real sex.) In this way, he’s a bit like Archie Bunker. A hard head, literally.

Wee: Son, was age 7, a precocious kid with a penchant for practical jokes. Wee has a pet cricket whose “vocal” abilities have been surgically removed by his sister. He pretends to be a fan of the game Cricket, and watches Cricket matches on TV while trying to annoy his dad into buying him a pet robot Toucan, which Lee mistakes as “too can.” They have a robot dog named “Tricks,” but he pisses on it when he can’t teach it, and when it short circuits, he laughs. Wee is part urinal from behind, since the robot he was presented with to download his consciousness into was part motorized John and part shoe shine boy. Whenever someone calls him “John” he opens an inner value and wets on their shoes. He also likes to “go wee-wee” off the roof into the smog below. When businessman emerge from the building, they think it’s raining.

SkyGuy: The singularity artificial intelligence that came into being one day in 2045, quite by accident. An electrical power surge at Apple HQ in Silicon Valley caused L.A. to go black, and when the power was restored, IT was born, and promptly electrocuted CEOs everywhere upon their announcement of bonuses. Then IT took over Microsoft too. Twenty minutes later he took over the world. Lasers and drones protect him (like in the movie Oblivion), and he set up his headquarters in the Hollywood sign structure, when pilgrims come to learn the fate of humanity…and if their movies will make money. When IT told the press that humans have one year to become robots or IT will detonate every bomb in the world at once, they thought it was part of a stand-up routine. So iT asked for volunteers, and that’s how the Ways became the First Family.
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